A Letter from Your Daughter // by Lilly S. (January 2019)

Dear Mom,

You might not read this, but I really need to write it down.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t get perfect grades. I’m sorry that I don’t clean when you ask me to. I’m sorry that I am mean to my brother sometimes. I am sorry that I can be mean and broody. I’m sorry I’m selfish. I’m sorry that I’m lazy. I’m sorry that I make you upset. I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy.

I know I’m not the perfect kid, believe me, I am far from it. Whenever you need help, I either am not in the mood, or don’t have the ability to help you. It kills me that I never seem to be of any help. I know that sometimes I help around, but it never feels like it is enough. I never feel like I am enough. You have given up so much in order to take care of me, and in return, I seem to give you nothing but grief.

We are constantly getting angry, and we always take it out on each other. I hate it. Every time we get into an argument, I always yell at myself, trying to shut up. Stop it, I think. She already has enough on her plate. She doesn’t need you to make a fuss. Yet, I can’t seem to stop. I always seem to make some kind of snarky remark, which inevitably makes you mad. Then, I retreat to my room and berate myself for everything I did wrong as I cry. But, you know what I hate most about our arguments? We never talk about it after. First, we will avoid each other, and then, we will just start talking to each other like we used to. However, I always keep every single one of our fights in the back of my mind, thinking about how I could have stopped them.

I can’t seem to remember the last time I cried and I wasn’t alone. Even though I pretend not to like it when you hug me, I wish you would do it when I cry. That’s probably selfish for me to think about, though. You don’t really have the time or energy. You spend most of your time working and making sure my brother doesn’t get mad or upset. It’s understandable when you get angry after a long day of work and just want to sleep. I get that. Really, I do.

It’s not like you don’t spend time with me either. You make sure that you can come to every extracurricular you can, and you always watch the videos I make in my drama class. The thing is, we never talk about our feelings. I’m not that good with words if I am not writing them down, so I never know how to bring up what seems to be wrong with us. Also, I get scared when you are mad, and this seems to be a topic you would get mad over, so I stay silent.

Anyway, that’s it, I guess. You probably won’t read this, but if you do, please know that I am sorry. I will try to be a better daughter. I’ll be the daughter you deserve to have.

Your Trying Daughter